A quick recap

I haven’t been blogging for over a year. I have no excuses for that. I was just really busy living my life. So I made a list of that happened during that year of non-blogging.

  1. I am still with my long-term boyfriend. Soon we will celebrate 2 year anniversary. I’m so happy with him, it’s hard to express what I fell for him because he is my everything. I hope that after finishing my university we will get married.

2. New friends found, old friends lost. Sadly, some people change. That’s why I lost some really good friends. We just can’t agree anymore. I have never seen it coming – my best friends turning into strangers.

3. I have found a job. It’s good but my salary is just not enough to make a living but I am still happy I can take less money from my parents. Since I got my own… a bit

4. MRKH. I don’t know what happened. It just doesn’t tear me apart anymore. Maybe because I celebrated 3rd anniversary. I don’t know. But I just don’t feel like I care anymore. It’s like fine, I have MRKH and what? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I break down but it’s not the same as it used to be. I think I got used to it. Forever.

That’s it for now,

Until the next reading

Broken hearts require attention

For the past few days I’ve been like a zombie. I can’t concentrate on my works so all I do is think, cry and do nothing. It has bored me to death. I don’t even know if my life will be fine someday.

For example now. I can’t complain. I’m at university, studying what I want. Plus, I have a gorgeous boyfriend. So why do I complain? No, this time it’s not about mrkh. It’s about having to let go, a pain of knowing the end is coming… My boyfriend has to leave the country in order to study at other university to get a better education. He wants to stay here with me and his friends but he can’t because he really needs to go. He needs to see the world and learn new languages, get to know other cultures as well. This will help for his future career. And me? Of course, I want him to have the best things in life starting from simple things as food moving onto big things such an education. But on the other hand I am extremely selfish. I want him to stay here for me.

And you know what is the hardest part? He told ‘baby, if I go, we can’t be a couple anymore. Distance and yearning…It’s too hard.’. It broke my heart. Not he, not his words but the fact that everything we have will end. Our cute moments together, taking selfies, walking in a city, cooking together, cleaning flat, going to events together. Everything will be a history.

There’s a slight small chance that he will stay. And he said ‘If I don’t leave, we will be together, I swear. I don’t wanna make you sad or angry, I want you to be happy. If that’s not possible I’m sorry. Because when you’re sad, I’m sad.’ and then he added ‘I wanna be with you always.’. Do you guys realise?? ALWAYS.. It may be a word but to me it means a lot. Always means we will have each other’s back no matter what, we will stay strong and grow together.

I know that life is not easy for anyone but sometimes I feel so hopeless. Saying ‘don’t worry, others got it a lot worse’ is correct but it doesn’t help. It simply cannot ease the pain someone is going through. In my situation, it feels like hell and a lot worse to know or to be more exact not to know what futue will bring. Will we be together? Will he forget me? Will he find another girl? Maybe he will stay? Is this love? What if I won’t find another guy?? These and a lot more questions just kill me. Everyday more and more.

And all I want is to be happy….

How love affects you

We all know that sometimes people change. There are plenty of reasons for this but I think that love is one of the most influential forces of change. Before meeting my current boyfriend I was a girl who hated cooking. I just didn’t have a desire to do it so I watched my parents and brother cook but I never had an inner passion to cook. My relatives were scared and accused me of never getting married because I don’t cook. And at times if I cooked something everyone was surprised.

The same with ironing or cleaning rooms. It’s not like I didn’t do it. I did it but I was very angry while doing it and I don’t even know why. My favourite thing was to wash dishes.

And now I like everything. Although I’m a horrible cooker I cook for my boyfriend and I iron his clothes. Also, I wash his dishes and sometimes we clean the rooms together. No one believes me but I feel more than happy while doing all these little jobs. It’s because I do it for the person I love. However, my friends tell me that he’s only using me because I’m a convenient choice:I cook, I iron, I comfort him. But I feel different. Then I look at him I feel so relieved and so calm. It seems to me that I could do nothing but just look at his eyes all day and it wouldn’t bore me.

And the best thing about it is that I don’t feel desperate or like a housewife.:D I really really love the person and I’m ready to undergo anything with him, bad and good. 

 

 

This is my part of the story how love changed me. Soon I will post a part from his perspective because he also underwent some changes.

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My thoughts about Love

My thoughts about Love

I’ve been living for 19 years barely knowing what love is. Well, i had my assumptions about relationships which derived from my parents’ love and respect to each other. Also, I knew what it was like to love a brother, a sister, a pet, relatives or friends. But I never knew what it’s like to love a guy. Until recently.

Everyday I wake up thinking about my boyfriend. I’m in love, I admit it. However, I can still think clearly. I understand that he isn’t the best guy on this planet but so what? I know that he might not be the most handsome or clever boy ever. But to me, he’s perfect. I see his imperfections as perfectly normal thing. It makes me love him even more.

Yet, I’m not sure what is love. Is it a feeling you get when you wake up smiling because you’re thinking about that person? Or is it a ”your problems are my problems or my problems are your problems” kind of thing? Or maybe it is a desperate wish to be with that person 24/7? If all of this indicates love, then I’m in love forever. Because right now I would like to spend the rest of my life with my current love.

mrkh and sex

I’ve found Him. The right guy. We’ve been together for about 5 months now and i can honestly say i love him. althrough, i don’t really know what love is. If it’s the feeling you get when He’s around you and the awful yearning when you are apart, i love him. He is a really great guy, loves being with me and introduces me to his friends. Everyone knows about me. And i think it’s love. I feel attracted to him and not only spiritually but also sexually.

And here my problems start. I want so much to be intimate with my boy but i can’t. The cause of it is mrkh. I need to go through certain treatment before having sex or to do an operation which i bet costs a lot. (a very very lot……). We love each other and this situation kills me 😦 I am so jealous for girls who can just have sex without any thoughts of operations and so on. I hate the fact that i am a girl who is a freak. 

 

I had forgotten about mrkh for some time. Well maybe not forgotten but ignoring it. For a long time it didn’t mean anything to me. It was just a fact. Now it’s a reality. 

 

Tragic……;(((((

To keep you up-to-date

Hmmm to start with…I’m not even sure that anyone is reading my blog but still…I feel like it’s a very incredible place for me to express my thoughts, emotions and opinions.

So, the first thing is that I’m happy. Now I can truly state “I’m happy” and that is nothing but true. ‘Why am I happy?’, you may wonder. Well, there’s been a lot going on in my life for the past few months. I’ve transformed from an absolute intravert person to be an always outgoing extravert(yeah, that’s possible). Since then, my life has been amazing.

Second notable thing is that I fell in love. With an amazing guy. What is more amazing is that he loves me back. We suffer a lot and everyday we get bad comments and/or glances but we don’t care. Now matter that the people say, I know he’s the one for me. They don’t know, they don’t even imagine what he’s doing to me. I don’t even know how I ended up with such a perfect guy and no, I’m not exaggerating.

Third: my boyfriend gives me motivation:

1) to do sports;

2) participate in various events and activities;

3) to be an open-minded person

4) to be a better person;

5) to love life as it is.

 

So, I guess that’s it. For now.

 

Hopefully, I’ll start blogging reagularly soon, if not then good luck 😉

Where’s the guy?

For the past few months I wasn’t sure of my feelings. It seemed to me that I liked one guy, but then I turned to another thinking I like him more. It was bad, I hurt myself but the worst part of it is that I hurt and disappointed people who counted on me. Whenever I look back I think about what could have happened if I wasn’t selfish. I mean, I still like one guy but when he ignored me I felt the need to make him jealous. So I kinda flirted with other guys. It’s bitchy right? Damn, i became a bitch…

I guess I shouldn’t be complaining about anything right now. I’m the one who messes everything up. I’m the one who people give up on. They understand that I’m hard to handle.

But still.. Recently, I caught myself wondering what it would be like if I had someone who would be interested in my life, who would want to be a part  of it. However, all of the guys I’ve met very either ‘bad boys’ who only wanted one things from lots of girls(one night standers) or just too good to me. The last-mentioned treated me like a princess and I thought ‘why in the world did I deserve it. I didn’t’, so I treated them like my friends.

I really want to have a soulmate. A boy with whom I could share my hobbies, my future plans, my dreams. I don’t need a guy to say ‘I want more than just hanging out if you know what I mean’. Sure, I know what you mean. Nowadays guys tend to rush so much, it seems like they don’t even want to know you better, all they want is to get you in their beds as soon as possible. I truly believe there are some guys left who are wholeheartedly willing to love a girl and wait for her as long as she needs in order to feel ready. I believe in fate and I think that we all have our soulmates somewhere in this world so I’m still waiting for mine. Waiting gets harder, especially then most of my friends have found their right ones. And then I walk down the street I think of you and I wonder if you are already in my life or will you appear then I least expect that? I love you, my right guy. ❤

Guys…are not always the ones who hurt

Sorry guys, I haven’t written anything in ages. Mostly because I’ve been living quite a busy life and nothing new happened. Until now. I feel like I have made lots of wrong decisions only because I did not want to hurt people. But now it turns out that I not only hurt them, I hurt myself too. By knowing what a mess I have made.

From now I call myself a bad person. I really am. It started when i moved to another, bigger, city. Something just happened. I turned into a girl who talks and is not afraid to go and chat boys up. Little did I know that this would bring me troubles. The first thing that happened was that one of my male friends confessed he liked me. I was in shock and I couldn’t hurt him. I just couldn’t. I didn’t say that I like him clearly but I think I acted a bit weird and so he thought that I like him. He even started doing things he never did before, for example, he listen to the same music as I do, he watches the movies I do and so on. As a girl who never got serious attention from a guy I found that attractive and I felt special. And then I started having these thoughts ‘why do I let him think I like him’, but i quickly threw them all away thinking I cannot hurt him.

Another bad thing I’ve done was letting another guy like me. I mean I didn’t give him permission but he just did. I don’t understand why. I have never been a girl liked by guys, I don’t have big breasts or an incredibly beautiful face. Then I asked him what happened, he just said ‘you’re cute and you care’. Oh my… What did I do?

I can’t even sleep at night because I create all the worst scenarios of what could happen to me. How and when will karma pay me back. Those guys deserve something better. Someone who can bear their children in the future. I don’t deserve them because I have mrkh and also because i’m too flirty nowadays. I’ve gone too far.

A ghost from the past

It all started when I was having a summer vacation with my aunt abroad. I saw a nice guy working there and I don’t know what happened to me. I had an instant and brief crush that only lasted for about 2 weeks. (please don’t judge me, I tend to do this). So I started acting insane, I mean really insane. I was always smiling at him and he was smiling at me too and at that time I felt butterflies right in my stomach.

I talked to him and later I had a nice chat with his friend who was also working there. His friend told he liked me and later my ‘at that time crush’ asked me on a date. Perfect! What could possibly go wrong? He liked me, I liked him, ‘where’s the problem?’, you may wonder. Well, my aunt. When I asked her for the permission to go on a date she started shouting at me, yelling at me ‘are you crazy? he only wants to have sex with you! he doesn’t even like you!’. What was, quite honestly, a shock. Really. No one has ever shouted at me like that and the way she looked at me….basically told me i was a slut. I cried a lot and the worst part of it is that my aunt started avoiding the hotel staff, of course, she included me into that. I was not able to tell him what happened. But somehow, he found a way to talk to me and I told him what happened. Then, we started talking secretly. Nothing serious happened; he never even touched or kissed me. So I thought to myself, ‘oh, my aunt is so damn wrong.’. Turns out she wasn’t.

Months later I got a message from my ex crush. It said ‘hey sexy, how are you’. Oh god. I could hardly breathe because of this impoliteness. We chatted a bit and then… BOOM. ‘I wanted to kiss you. I also wanted to have sex with you. I really wanted to fuck you.’. That’s EXACTLY what he wrote. I froze and then ‘what? really? oh god…’.

It’s so lame. My aunt was right. Maybe he mistook my smiles and thought I wanted to go further. There are millions of maybe’s. But one thing is for sure-I’m sitting here not knowing whether should I be sad because I was considered to be a slut probably or should I be happy because I didn’t go anywhere with that damn boy.

Dilemma

For the past few weeks I’ve been living a very tense life. And this time not only because of university studies but also because of a mess in my personal life.

You probably remember the guy who I crushed on. I told that he was amazing, awesome and so on. I take these words back now. It’s not that I don’t like him but I just realised nothing will work out our way. I am old-fashioned therefore I think that boys should ask girls on a date. So, I’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Days passed by and I realised it was never meant to be love between us. I just met him and quickly created his design. It was the fruit of my imagination that I liked. And now let’s be clear, the boy I liked is not that awesome, more like he’s rude, impolite and self-centered. He loves being in a spotlight.

At the same time when this ‘crush thing’ was going on, another thing in my love life emerged. An old friend of mine confessed he likes me in a sincere and sweet way. I was shocked a bit but it was not a big surprise for me because I also liked him earlier.

And now my dilemma starts. I do have so much in common with the second guy but the first guy also attracts me because he’s a bad boy. But I feel like the second boy is better for me because he treats me like a princess(and we’re not even dating!). I feel the flood of an emotions.

And still, I feel like I like the second guy, the one who is so similar to me, but I don’t wanna rush things. I just want the future to work it out. And until then, I think I’ll just take a break. My mind really needs it.