A quick recap

I haven’t been blogging for over a year. I have no excuses for that. I was just really busy living my life. So I made a list of that happened during that year of non-blogging.

1. I am still with my long-term boyfriend. Soon we will celebrate 2 year anniversary. I’m so happy with him, it’s hard to express what I fell for him because he is my everything. I hope that after finishing my university we will get married.

2. New friends found, old friends lost. Sadly, some people change. That’s why I lost some really good friends. We just can’t agree anymore. I have never seen it coming – my best friends turning into strangers.

3. I have found a job. It’s good but my salary is just not enough to make a living but I am still happy I can take less money from my parents. Since I got my own… a bit

4. MRKH. I don’t know what happened. It just doesn’t tear me apart anymore. Maybe because I celebrated 3rd anniversary. I don’t know. But I just don’t feel like I care anymore. It’s like fine, I have MRKH and what? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I break down but it’s not the same as it used to be. I think I got used to it. Forever.

That’s it for now,

Until the next reading

How love affects you

We all know that sometimes people change. There are plenty of reasons for this but I think that love is one of the most influential forces of change. Before meeting my current boyfriend I was a girl who hated cooking. I just didn’t have a desire to do it so I watched my parents and brother cook but I never had an inner passion to cook. My relatives were scared and accused me of never getting married because I don’t cook. And at times if I cooked something everyone was surprised.

The same with ironing or cleaning rooms. It’s not like I didn’t do it. I did it but I was very angry while doing it and I don’t even know why. My favourite thing was to wash dishes.

And now I like everything. Although I’m a horrible cooker I cook for my boyfriend and I iron his clothes. Also, I wash his dishes and sometimes we clean the rooms together. No one believes me but I feel more than happy while doing all these little jobs. It’s because I do it for the person I love. However, my friends tell me that he’s only using me because I’m a convenient choice:I cook, I iron, I comfort him. But I feel different. Then I look at him I feel so relieved and so calm. It seems to me that I could do nothing but just look at his eyes all day and it wouldn’t bore me.

And the best thing about it is that I don’t feel desperate or like a housewife.:D I really really love the person and I’m ready to undergo anything with him, bad and good. 

 

 

This is my part of the story how love changed me. Soon I will post a part from his perspective because he also underwent some changes.

My thoughts about Love

I’ve been living for 19 years barely knowing what love is. Well, i had my assumptions about relationships which derived from my parents’ love and respect to each other. Also, I knew what it was like to love a brother, a sister, a pet, relatives or friends. But I never knew what it’s like to love a guy. Until recently.

Everyday I wake up thinking about my boyfriend. I’m in love, I admit it. However, I can still think clearly. I understand that he isn’t the best guy on this planet but so what? I know that he might not be the most handsome or clever boy ever. But to me, he’s perfect. I see his imperfections as perfectly normal thing. It makes me love him even more.

Yet, I’m not sure what is love. Is it a feeling you get when you wake up smiling because you’re thinking about that person? Or is it a ”your problems are my problems or my problems are your problems” kind of thing? Or maybe it is a desperate wish to be with that person 24/7? If all of this indicates love, then I’m in love forever. Because right now I would like to spend the rest of my life with my current love.

mrkh and sex

I’ve found Him. The right guy. We’ve been together for about 5 months now and i can honestly say i love him. althrough, i don’t really know what love is. If it’s the feeling you get when He’s around you and the awful yearning when you are apart, i love him. He is a really great guy, loves being with me and introduces me to his friends. Everyone knows about me. And i think it’s love. I feel attracted to him and not only spiritually but also sexually.

And here my problems start. I want so much to be intimate with my boy but i can’t. The cause of it is mrkh. I need to go through certain treatment before having sex or to do an operation which i bet costs a lot. (a very very lot……). We love each other and this situation kills me 😦 I am so jealous for girls who can just have sex without any thoughts of operations and so on. I hate the fact that i am a girl who is a freak. 

 

I had forgotten about mrkh for some time. Well maybe not forgotten but ignoring it. For a long time it didn’t mean anything to me. It was just a fact. Now it’s a reality. 

 

Tragic……;(((((

To keep you up-to-date

Hmmm to start with…I’m not even sure that anyone is reading my blog but still…I feel like it’s a very incredible place for me to express my thoughts, emotions and opinions.

So, the first thing is that I’m happy. Now I can truly state “I’m happy” and that is nothing but true. ‘Why am I happy?’, you may wonder. Well, there’s been a lot going on in my life for the past few months. I’ve transformed from an absolute intravert person to be an always outgoing extravert(yeah, that’s possible). Since then, my life has been amazing.

Second notable thing is that I fell in love. With an amazing guy. What is more amazing is that he loves me back. We suffer a lot and everyday we get bad comments and/or glances but we don’t care. Now matter that the people say, I know he’s the one for me. They don’t know, they don’t even imagine what he’s doing to me. I don’t even know how I ended up with such a perfect guy and no, I’m not exaggerating.

Third: my boyfriend gives me motivation:

1) to do sports;

2) participate in various events and activities;

3) to be an open-minded person

4) to be a better person;

5) to love life as it is.

 

So, I guess that’s it. For now.

 

Hopefully, I’ll start blogging reagularly soon, if not then good luck 😉

Guys…are not always the ones who hurt

Sorry guys, I haven’t written anything in ages. Mostly because I’ve been living quite a busy life and nothing new happened. Until now. I feel like I have made lots of wrong decisions only because I did not want to hurt people. But now it turns out that I not only hurt them, I hurt myself too. By knowing what a mess I have made.

From now I call myself a bad person. I really am. It started when i moved to another, bigger, city. Something just happened. I turned into a girl who talks and is not afraid to go and chat boys up. Little did I know that this would bring me troubles. The first thing that happened was that one of my male friends confessed he liked me. I was in shock and I couldn’t hurt him. I just couldn’t. I didn’t say that I like him clearly but I think I acted a bit weird and so he thought that I like him. He even started doing things he never did before, for example, he listen to the same music as I do, he watches the movies I do and so on. As a girl who never got serious attention from a guy I found that attractive and I felt special. And then I started having these thoughts ‘why do I let him think I like him’, but i quickly threw them all away thinking I cannot hurt him.

Another bad thing I’ve done was letting another guy like me. I mean I didn’t give him permission but he just did. I don’t understand why. I have never been a girl liked by guys, I don’t have big breasts or an incredibly beautiful face. Then I asked him what happened, he just said ‘you’re cute and you care’. Oh my… What did I do?

I can’t even sleep at night because I create all the worst scenarios of what could happen to me. How and when will karma pay me back. Those guys deserve something better. Someone who can bear their children in the future. I don’t deserve them because I have mrkh and also because i’m too flirty nowadays. I’ve gone too far.

Moving out

As the title says, I moved out of my parents’ house and left my native city. I’m a small town girl and now I live in the biggest city of the country. It feels kinda strange being on my own but at the same time I feel like a full grown up person who is 100% responsible for himself. I can’t find the words to describe how good I feel whenever I enter a shop, it feels so cool! I mean, I go to a shop to buy some food and for the first time in my life I can actually buy everything I want. It feels great! And I almost forgot I have mrkh!!!

Life’s good, guys, life’s good. Enjoy it! 😛

Butterfies in the stomach

Do you know that feeling when you just can’t sleep at night because where’s someone special who keeps you up all night? And also that feeling when you wake up with a wide smile on your face hoping you will see that someone. I think it’s called crushing. If it so, when I’m crushing. Hard. Too bad he’s miles away and it makes me feel like he lives in another world.

No, he’s not a superstar and is not worldwide known. But… He is my superstar! He dreams about creating his own business and I’d like to be the lady standing next to him to encourage him. I know he likes me too but the distance keeps us apart.

I want to believe we will be together eventually. Right now, I’m not afraid to say I’d marry him. Crazy.

Is virginity an issue?

I have a great male friend with whom I can be completely sincere and discuss many various topics. Our opinions may not be the same but we always tolerate each other. I guess this is the reason why we built such a strong relation which cannot be simply damaged.

So one day we’ve come to discuss about youth and values. None of us noticed how our conversation came to a dialogue about sex. Usually I’m not likely to talk about things like these and especially with a guy but he’s one of my best friends and I trust him 100% so I gave up and talked talked talked.

It’s a strange thing you know, he suddenly asked me if I was a virgin. Well, I am so I told him the truth. You should have seen his face, it was full of astonishment. I asked him what was the matter and he just gasped, ‘Oh God, I thought you’re not a virgin’. Oh dear. Really?

It got worse. My friend, whom I respect and trust and love and so on gave me an ‘advice’. Wanna know what was that? Prepare yourself. He just said, ‘I think you should just get drunk and be done with it’. Oh my. Wait, what? Really? I’m not that kind of girl who goes to a party and gets wasted and then you know what.

In my opinion, which I think is absolutely right, sex is not just an action. It’s something that you do because of love. It’s hard to explain, really, but it’s like two worlds combining together, it must be done because of love. And my friend just advised me to lose my virginity while being drunk, what the heck, seriously?

I wanna give it to someone who respects me, cares for me, cherishes me and really loves me despite the fact that I have MRKH.

It’s not that easy finding someone who could love you but it’s even harder to find someone who will love you when you have MRKH.

And personally, I don’t really care. Yes, I’m 18, yes, I’ll be 19 soon and yes, I’m a virgin, so what? I don’t give a damn crap because there are more things in life to be concerned about. So I’ll just stick to my plan which is called waiting. Yeah, I’ll wait till the right guy steps in and you know I’m fine with that.

When your heart breaks

I’m sitting here in my room and I feel nothing but sadness. There’s a big vacancy in me and I don’t know if that could ever be changed.

I just got back from vacation abroad. This is one of the reasons why I’m sad. Everything went great on my vacation but then I had to leave. It was inevitable(unfortunately). I just feel like I want to live freely but for some reason I can’t. And then, on vacation, I did what I wanted to and it felt great. Being yourself. But I know that life does go on and i can’t be too miserable for too long.

Another thing, the main reason for my pain, is that I feel like I have just ruined my perfect relationship with my friend and my could-have-been-boyfriend. What I mean is, I’ve known him for over a year and we were so close and sincere to each other. We shared our everyday lives and news and everything. And now it’s (probably) over.

‘What happened?’, you may wonder. Well, we didn’t have an argument or anything like that. I got accepted into university of my dreams and I was so happy. He was too. Until I told him what my plans were. He is a foreigner and I am fascinated by his county’s culture, language and everything in particular. So i thought what it would be cool for me to learn his native language so we could speak it as well.

He was shocked when I told him this. He got furious and I knew from that moment that nothing is gonna be like it used to. Although, it sounds silly(I mean we almost started a war caused by the language), it does break my and I bet his heart. I fell awkward, like I took something that was only his. I wish I could take it back.

I hope we’ll talk it out. I don’t wanna lose a friend because of a language!!

Sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut.!