Bye bye mrkh(summary of 1 year living with mrkh)

It’s been quite a long time since i wrote something about mrkh. Quite honestly, I’m done with whining ‘why me’ and shit like that. I’m over it and right now I can say I am happy. Indeed.

Exactly a year ago I was diagnosed with mrkh. I cried a lot then but now, today, I did not shed a single tear. I am being honest!! I think I  got used to the fact that I will never get a period and that’s totally fine because I know how my friends feel during ‘their days’. They become angry and shout at everybody. Haha I don’t.

I talked it out with my mom and I feel her support in everything I do which is awesome because I do lots of crazy stuff. And I still know she will support me. That’s great. Hmm, my dad now. It’s been hard for me to communicate with him because I know that he knows my mrkh problem. Somehow, I don’t feel comfortable with that. At least I don’t get involved in super uncorfortable conversations about pregnancy. Because I can’t get pregnant. Ages ago I’ve decided I will adopt kids but I’m still hoping that medicine will improve and I will get a chance to give a birth. (wow it sounds crazy).

And now let’s move onto boys. I just realized that there will be a guy who will love me for who I am. I met many new people since I moved to another city. I started talking and talking and talking and I noticed some boys were trying to ask me on a date or something like that. I always craved to be loved but for my reasons I declined their invitations.(oooh am I bad?:D). I just want to find someone who is trustworthy and so on. Someone who will love me, not only like me.

And I dedicate this to all my girls and women out there struggling with mrkh. It gets better. Believe me. Especially when you move out and start attending university. Then you meet a lot of people, you find new friends, you smile and laugh again, and you start doing things you’ve never done before. I believe in you! Don’t ever give up! And if you ever feel like giving up remember it’s not that bad. At least, we, mrkh women, know how fragile the life is and that makes us stronger !

And mrkh, go screw yourself!

MRKH, I embrace you

9 months. That’s how long pregnancy lasts. Or, in my life, it’s how long I’ve been fighting with MRKH. All this time I’ve been trying to get used to it but there’s a part of me which won’t accept it no matter what. There are days when I feel okay and I suddenly catch myself thinking ‘hey, this might last forever, you’ve got the inner peace now, don’t fuck it up’. But however, I break down quite often. It’s not hard for me to find a reason to fall apart, let’s say I see two lovers or a little kid and instantly, tears start rolling inside of me.  And outside I’m trying not to break down. But it haunts me! Wherever I go, whatever I do the ghost of MRKH is always there.

It’s been 9 torturous months and I can say I’m not the same person I was before. Now I feel older and wiser even through MRKH has nothing to do with that. I know what a part of me wants to be a small girl once again but just because of the fact that then I wouldn’t know about MRKH. I would be happier. I wanna go to my past but that’s not possible and that’s not gonna happen. So instead, I try to love me as I am with all my imperfections and flaws.

I know MRKH does not define me. I have it but it doesn’t have me. Knowing all of that I just live my life. I try not to look back and even though it sounds strange, I’m trying to look at MRKH like it’s my friend. If I can control my thoughts over other things in life why can’t I control my thoughts over MRKH? I guess I can.

Don’t kill

Hmmm, I don’t really understand why so many women do abortion.

Age? Well, in my opinion age is not an obstacle to raise a kid. Of course, if you’re in high school and pregnant it can cause some problems. You will have to sacrifice spare time, parties, in one word everything in order to be an excellent mom.

Money? I get it, if you don’t have much money, you may think ‘how am I going to raise a kid without money’. Believe me, money is not that important. Well, you need money but only to buy food, clothes, shoes and school equipment. You don’t have to buy Versace or Prada stuff. As a daughter I can say that the most important things in family are love, trust and understanding. Definitely not money.

No man? I can only imagine what it feels like to be a mom. It’s hard. But being a single mom is even harder. You have to be 2 in 1: mom and dad. But it is very possible. It may get tough at times but when you see a little angel’s face saying ‘mommy, I love you’, I’m sure that all of the problems don’t matter.

So, if you’re pregnant and thinking if you can handle it, don’t worry. You can. Just don’t do an abortion. Girls and women with MRKH would give anything in this world for the opportunity to have a kid.

Pregnancy. It’s a miracle which will never occur to me.

This is going to be a sad post ;( Anyway, life’s not only good, it’s also full of miserable things which people cannot change. No matter how much they want it.

I saw a pregnant woman today and I found myself in a super bad position. I was about to cry. But I couldn’t. Admit that, that would be weird and awkward seeing a crying girl walking on the street. Yeah, I didn’t want to be that girl or that ‘freak’. And somehow I managed not to fall apart. I was actually a bit proud of myself because it’s a very hard task for me to hold my emotions in.

I walked the street and I was finally home. That’s when my teardrops began streaming down my face.

What a lame life, what a lame coincidence that I’m the girl who was born with mrkh. I’m that girl who cannot and will never be able to carry out her child. I often wonder why me. Why anyone. Why? Why in the world this must happen to people??

As I was trying to solve this mystery I thought to myself  ‘I want chocolate’.

(Yes, primitive thoughts and silly actions save me).

And then, I wiped my tears and got back to my daily life.

Fuck you, mrkh

So I’m here. Again. Watching random videos about mrkh all over again. It’s not me who wants to watch those videos, it’s my brain that’s trying to get used to the fact that I’m not so normal. And I have to admit, my mind is really winning this battle against me.

I don’t want to cry, that won’t change anything. I don’t want to surf the net searching for the information. I want my inner peace back. But my mind doesn’t care so I am inevitably and uncontrollably forced to relive the hell I’ve been through all over again.

My brother is playing at a concert and my parents have just gone to a shop. Well done, brain! Well done, good job. You made me cry one more time.  I feel my tears but it’s actually not tears, this is a bitter liquid. My eyes have stopped producing tears ever since I learnt my diagnosis.

You can’t imagine how much I hate it. I should be having fun at the age of 18 but instead I’m crying and wishing I was never born. Yup, things like that pop to my head quite often. I wouldn’t have to suffer if I wasn’t born.

But despite mrkh, I love life. I love living. My mother always tells me that everything that happens to us is a lesson and there’s a reason for that. Ok, I’m dying to know what is the reason. Is it crystal clear? Or will I find it in my life later? Where does it hide? Behind the surface? Or right opposite my eyes?

After making these questions I wipe my eyes and I say ‘Hey girl, mrkh does not define you’. Then louder: ‘Mrkh doesn’t define me. I define it. Mrkh doesn’t have me, I have it. So stop bullshitting and get over it’. And really, does this make me less a woman? Does it mean I’m not worth loving, taken care of? Does it mean that I won’t succeed in my further life and career?

And for the first time the answer is clear-NO. I don’t get periods. I’m infertile. But maybe I am gifted? Maybe I was chosen to make the difference somehow? If mrkh is the reason why I am so emotional and devoted to my loved ones, then sure as hell I must have been gifted. I can love. And that’s a value.

P.S. mrkh, you’re never gonna hurt me again. I swear. I control you. I define you.

how i found out i have mrkh

So, in my first blog I told you what I have mrkh and what it is. And today, I’m gonna tell you the whole truth, nothing less and nothing more.

I learnt about periods and stuff like that at the age of 10. Since then I started waiting for my periods and my puberty. Don’t get me wrong, I was always a normal teenager except for the fact what I wasn’t getting my periods. But to be perfectly honest, I didn’t give a damn thing because I just thought I was a ‘late-bloomer’ and I never knew that such thing as mrkh have existed. I was pissed off because whenever I came to see my doctor for a ‘check-up’ which my school needed to have she would ask me about my periods. And everytime I was like ‘still no’ and I would blush. But when I was 15 my doctor got pissed off so she sent me to a gynaecologist. And that’s where my problems begun.

My first impression of that woman was bad. Very bad. I mean like she was a monster and she didn’t even care about me. I was 17 and still didn’t have my period but even worse, the doctors in my city coulnd’t say what’s wrong with me. I seemed like I was normal. But I wasn’t. So, after many failed attempts to know what is wrong with me I was recommended to go to another bigger city of my country. I was riding there with my parents and a hope that I was still normal.

Unfortunately, when I came there, I was surprised to know what I have mrkh. The doctor also mentioned what if I would ever want to have sex I will have to do an operation. Sounds gross.

I still remember how gynaecologist asked me to leave and she talked to my mom. Probably she told her what I’m not able to carry out my own children. I found out just a few months ago and yes, I’m only 18 but whenever I think about my future I see my kids in it. I get it, I may not be their biological mother but I’m ready to give them comfort and a happy life they need.

It is said that everything happens for a reason. I’m like ok, what’s the reason?? And then I find myself thinking that maybe, maybe  it’s good. Maybe I’m not meant to have my own kids so that I could save orphans? As I recollect, I have always wanted to adopt African, Asian and other orphan kids. Yeah, I know, I know, I’m European and it’s probably strange and maybe I shouldn’t want to create an international and interracional family but… I don’t care.

My skin colour may not match with the one that my kids will have but what makes a group of people a family isn’t a skin colour. What makes you a family is understanding, honesty, love. It’s a full-time job and many people just don’t get that. All I know is that I’m gonna save someone’s life. I’m gonna be someone’s mom and that someone will be my son or daughter. He/she may not be European as I am, he/she may be from Africa or maybe South America but it doesn’t matter. All I know is that I’m supposed to be someone’s shelter and I’m gonna do that. In the future.

The beginning

Hello world! To begin with I’d like to confess that I got the idea to tell my story after watching Amanda Todd’s video. Too bad she’s gone 😦 Rest in peace & I wish it would have never happened.

Now let’s take a look at me. You might think that I’m bullied as well as Amanda Todd was. The truth is a little bit different. I am not bullied but I’ve got my story to tell.

I am 18 years old and I live in Europe in a small country that people barely know. To those who are curious about my name (Esther Aimal Mercado) I can tell that it’s not my real name, it’s just a nickname I chose to blog with. First of all, I chose Esther bacause it’s Christian meaning is ‘secret’ or ‘hidden’ (later you will know what my biggest secret is) and Aimal is a Muslim name meaning hope. Mercado is a rare last name. That’s it.

Now let’s get back to why I am blogging here. It might seem like I have everything I need and more-I have a caring, loving family, I’ve got food to eat, water to drink. But my life isn’t that great. I have a rare disease. A syndrome called Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser or simply MRKH. I get it, many of you might not even know what it is because it occurs only to 1 girl from 5000. The thing is that a girl is born without a womb.

Yup, and this girl happened to be me.

Enough for the beginning but if you know someone with MRKH or you have it or are just simply curious, stay tuned. I will soon post about how I found out I have this shit.

Bye and lots of love,

Esther Aimal Mercado