Guys…are not always the ones who hurt

Sorry guys, I haven’t written anything in ages. Mostly because I’ve been living quite a busy life and nothing new happened. Until now. I feel like I have made lots of wrong decisions only because I did not want to hurt people. But now it turns out that I not only hurt them, I hurt myself too. By knowing what a mess I have made.

From now I call myself a bad person. I really am. It started when i moved to another, bigger, city. Something just happened. I turned into a girl who talks and is not afraid to go and chat boys up. Little did I know that this would bring me troubles. The first thing that happened was that one of my male friends confessed he liked me. I was in shock and I couldn’t hurt him. I just couldn’t. I didn’t say that I like him clearly but I think I acted a bit weird and so he thought that I like him. He even started doing things he never did before, for example, he listen to the same music as I do, he watches the movies I do and so on. As a girl who never got serious attention from a guy I found that attractive and I felt special. And then I started having these thoughts ‘why do I let him think I like him’, but i quickly threw them all away thinking I cannot hurt him.

Another bad thing I’ve done was letting another guy like me. I mean I didn’t give him permission but he just did. I don’t understand why. I have never been a girl liked by guys, I don’t have big breasts or an incredibly beautiful face. Then I asked him what happened, he just said ‘you’re cute and you care’. Oh my… What did I do?

I can’t even sleep at night because I create all the worst scenarios of what could happen to me. How and when will karma pay me back. Those guys deserve something better. Someone who can bear their children in the future. I don’t deserve them because I have mrkh and also because i’m too flirty nowadays. I’ve gone too far.

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A ghost from the past

It all started when I was having a summer vacation with my aunt abroad. I saw a nice guy working there and I don’t know what happened to me. I had an instant and brief crush that only lasted for about 2 weeks. (please don’t judge me, I tend to do this). So I started acting insane, I mean really insane. I was always smiling at him and he was smiling at me too and at that time I felt butterflies right in my stomach.

I talked to him and later I had a nice chat with his friend who was also working there. His friend told he liked me and later my ‘at that time crush’ asked me on a date. Perfect! What could possibly go wrong? He liked me, I liked him, ‘where’s the problem?’, you may wonder. Well, my aunt. When I asked her for the permission to go on a date she started shouting at me, yelling at me ‘are you crazy? he only wants to have sex with you! he doesn’t even like you!’. What was, quite honestly, a shock. Really. No one has ever shouted at me like that and the way she looked at me….basically told me i was a slut. I cried a lot and the worst part of it is that my aunt started avoiding the hotel staff, of course, she included me into that. I was not able to tell him what happened. But somehow, he found a way to talk to me and I told him what happened. Then, we started talking secretly. Nothing serious happened; he never even touched or kissed me. So I thought to myself, ‘oh, my aunt is so damn wrong.’. Turns out she wasn’t.

Months later I got a message from my ex crush. It said ‘hey sexy, how are you’. Oh god. I could hardly breathe because of this impoliteness. We chatted a bit and then… BOOM. ‘I wanted to kiss you. I also wanted to have sex with you. I really wanted to fuck you.’. That’s EXACTLY what he wrote. I froze and then ‘what? really? oh god…’.

It’s so lame. My aunt was right. Maybe he mistook my smiles and thought I wanted to go further. There are millions of maybe’s. But one thing is for sure-I’m sitting here not knowing whether should I be sad because I was considered to be a slut probably or should I be happy because I didn’t go anywhere with that damn boy.

Dilemma

For the past few weeks I’ve been living a very tense life. And this time not only because of university studies but also because of a mess in my personal life.

You probably remember the guy who I crushed on. I told that he was amazing, awesome and so on. I take these words back now. It’s not that I don’t like him but I just realised nothing will work out our way. I am old-fashioned therefore I think that boys should ask girls on a date. So, I’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Days passed by and I realised it was never meant to be love between us. I just met him and quickly created his design. It was the fruit of my imagination that I liked. And now let’s be clear, the boy I liked is not that awesome, more like he’s rude, impolite and self-centered. He loves being in a spotlight.

At the same time when this ‘crush thing’ was going on, another thing in my love life emerged. An old friend of mine confessed he likes me in a sincere and sweet way. I was shocked a bit but it was not a big surprise for me because I also liked him earlier.

And now my dilemma starts. I do have so much in common with the second guy but the first guy also attracts me because he’s a bad boy. But I feel like the second boy is better for me because he treats me like a princess(and we’re not even dating!). I feel the flood of an emotions.

And still, I feel like I like the second guy, the one who is so similar to me, but I don’t wanna rush things. I just want the future to work it out. And until then, I think I’ll just take a break. My mind really needs it.

Bye bye mrkh(summary of 1 year living with mrkh)

It’s been quite a long time since i wrote something about mrkh. Quite honestly, I’m done with whining ‘why me’ and shit like that. I’m over it and right now I can say I am happy. Indeed.

Exactly a year ago I was diagnosed with mrkh. I cried a lot then but now, today, I did not shed a single tear. I am being honest!! I think I  got used to the fact that I will never get a period and that’s totally fine because I know how my friends feel during ‘their days’. They become angry and shout at everybody. Haha I don’t.

I talked it out with my mom and I feel her support in everything I do which is awesome because I do lots of crazy stuff. And I still know she will support me. That’s great. Hmm, my dad now. It’s been hard for me to communicate with him because I know that he knows my mrkh problem. Somehow, I don’t feel comfortable with that. At least I don’t get involved in super uncorfortable conversations about pregnancy. Because I can’t get pregnant. Ages ago I’ve decided I will adopt kids but I’m still hoping that medicine will improve and I will get a chance to give a birth. (wow it sounds crazy).

And now let’s move onto boys. I just realized that there will be a guy who will love me for who I am. I met many new people since I moved to another city. I started talking and talking and talking and I noticed some boys were trying to ask me on a date or something like that. I always craved to be loved but for my reasons I declined their invitations.(oooh am I bad?:D). I just want to find someone who is trustworthy and so on. Someone who will love me, not only like me.

And I dedicate this to all my girls and women out there struggling with mrkh. It gets better. Believe me. Especially when you move out and start attending university. Then you meet a lot of people, you find new friends, you smile and laugh again, and you start doing things you’ve never done before. I believe in you! Don’t ever give up! And if you ever feel like giving up remember it’s not that bad. At least, we, mrkh women, know how fragile the life is and that makes us stronger !

And mrkh, go screw yourself!

Does He Like Me? (Pros And Cons)

I’m all about one guy. He’s cool, charming, funny, beautiful and smart. He thinks that every person has the right to live a joyful life, he is against wars and shit like that! Kinda like me. Actually, a lot like me. So, for the past days I’ve been trying to solve a mystery: does he or doesn’t he like me? Right now you are more than welcome to comment because I’d like to use some help from the srangers! It seems that my friends can easily tell me ‘oh yeah he likes you’ only because they don’t want to hurt me. I wanna find out the truth. Let’s go!

1st pro:Communication. I hung out with him a few days ago. My friends and his friends were also there. He seemed to be enjoying my company and we talked a lot. We have lots of things in common, for example, we both think that the world would be better without wars. And we also agree that racism sucks.

1st con:Communication. He’s quite different on social media. He very rarely starts a conversation first. This makes me feel anxious and it seems to me like I annoy or bother him. I don’t want to do that. Plus, when I text him, he does not reply instantly or he very rarely does respond me instantly. It’s really sad, because I usually write an answer to him as soon as i get his message.

2nd pro:Smiles. When we hung out(the same day like above;with our friends) he caught a moment when no one saw what he did to me. And what he did was beautiful, he looked at me and smiled to me with that spectacular smile and he winked to me. Is that a sign?

2nd con:Smiles. I don’t know if that’s true but 2 of my friends told me that my crush has winked to them too. What?? I hope that’s not true and if it is, then why in the world it’s happening to me??

3rd pro:He tries to touch me. Not in a sexual way. He does it classy. He just tries to be around me and he likes to touch my hand accidently. Also, once he put his hand on my waist but only for a few seconds. Isn’t that a sing now??

3rd con:Sometimes he’s cold. He tries to be next to me but sometimes he just abandons me and walks slowly alone. Does it mean that I irritate him?

4th pro:He listens&remembers. He doesn’t have any problem to tell what my favourite colour or band is. He remembers it all! Even my birthday.

I don’t have more cons but I do have some pros:

5th pro:He gets jealous. We were at the cafe and my dad called my cellphone. I picked it up and went outside to talk and then I got back I was attacked by my crush with question like ‘who called you?’, ‘was it your dad really?’ and so on. Also, my friends told me that one guy asked me for my phone number and my crush was furious. He looked a bit shocked and angry and then he made up some story about how some girls tried to seduce him. Pretty lame story and I think he made it up to make me jealous. Who knows that the truth is.

6th pro:He wants to have a connection with me. He likes to know what I’ve been doing during the day, what are my plans for the upcoming days and so on.

I don’t know what to do and how to react. I really like this boy but it’s hard to tell whether he likes me or not because he keeps being mysterious. One day he keeps me thinking he likes me, smiles at me whenever he sees me. And another day he’s colder than the ice and acts like we’re just friends. Everyone knows we’re not. We’re more than that. 🙂

It’s awkward but if you read it all then please comment and let me know what you think. Does he like me or no? (That is the quesion:D).

‘I choose her’

Just a few hours ago I published a post saying how much I like one guy. Now I’m pretty messed up in my feelings and he’s the one to blame.

Somehow, I feel like he likes my friend despite the fact that she has a boyfriend(and he knows it). Why do I think so? We’ve been hanging out for a while and he seemed to be ignoring me and he talked to my friend more than he talked to me. But that’s not the point.

When I got back home I was so mad at him and everyone in the world but when he wrote me a message telling me how much he liked our meeting. Excuse me? You absolutely ignore me, you act like I’m nothing and then you go and tell me how much you liked hanging out with me? Well darling, it’s low. I’m sorry babe, I really like you but that’s just low and impolite.

Of course, my friend is way prettier than I am. That’s undeniable. But can’t I be happy even for once in my life? I know I can’t blame her and I hate myself for doing that but I feel like for once in my life I had a perfect chance to develop my crush into some love thing. But no… I know I’m not pretty enough. I don’t have beautiful smile, my breasts are small and so on. I could continue all night and all day and there still wouldn’t be enough time to express all of my minuses. I hate it. All I want is just to be loved. I guess I ask for too much.

Why such thing as love exists?

Love Is In The Air

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to say that my life is actually getting better. I met new people who soon became my friends and at this point of my life I’m enjoying my life so much. It seems like all those 18 years I’ve been only existing, not living.

But now I’m full of joy and I want to share some significant news from my life. I met a guy! Wow, what a great thing. You might think that I’m crazy and I bet you do think I am crazy. But you know guys, this time is different. I’m so shy and nervous around him, I don’t even know what to say, I just look him in the eyes and everything around me starts spinning and the whole world becomes a better place.

My friends say I’m doubtlessly in love but I wouldn’t agree. I don’t know the person well but dammit I feel like I could fall in love for the first time!! He makes my day and his smile, his eyes, the way he talks, well, everything makes me feel like I live in a fairytale.

I have never felt like this before and everyone who sees me with a smile on my face tells me ‘he wrote you again’. They don’t even ask if he did because there’s no need. Everyone knows it.

I wanted to keep it private but on the other hand it’s relaxing and fun to tell your feelings to your friends because then they know you rely on them and it makes your relationship even stronger.

I don’t know how this turns out but I do hope it turns out the good way! Well, you know, the old romantic way where a boy takes a girl on a date. Oh my god, I’d die from joy if he asked me to go out with him! No lie. Doesn’t matter how it turns out, good or bad, I’ll let you know!

I know this is probably messed up and not clear and not coherent but I just wanted to share my feelings with you because I can’t keep it to myself and my friends are kinda irritated by me talking about ‘my guy’ all the time.

Kisses.