Bye bye mrkh(summary of 1 year living with mrkh)

It’s been quite a long time since i wrote something about mrkh. Quite honestly, I’m done with whining ‘why me’ and shit like that. I’m over it and right now I can say I am happy. Indeed.

Exactly a year ago I was diagnosed with mrkh. I cried a lot then but now, today, I did not shed a single tear. I am being honest!! I think I  got used to the fact that I will never get a period and that’s totally fine because I know how my friends feel during ‘their days’. They become angry and shout at everybody. Haha I don’t.

I talked it out with my mom and I feel her support in everything I do which is awesome because I do lots of crazy stuff. And I still know she will support me. That’s great. Hmm, my dad now. It’s been hard for me to communicate with him because I know that he knows my mrkh problem. Somehow, I don’t feel comfortable with that. At least I don’t get involved in super uncorfortable conversations about pregnancy. Because I can’t get pregnant. Ages ago I’ve decided I will adopt kids but I’m still hoping that medicine will improve and I will get a chance to give a birth. (wow it sounds crazy).

And now let’s move onto boys. I just realized that there will be a guy who will love me for who I am. I met many new people since I moved to another city. I started talking and talking and talking and I noticed some boys were trying to ask me on a date or something like that. I always craved to be loved but for my reasons I declined their invitations.(oooh am I bad?:D). I just want to find someone who is trustworthy and so on. Someone who will love me, not only like me.

And I dedicate this to all my girls and women out there struggling with mrkh. It gets better. Believe me. Especially when you move out and start attending university. Then you meet a lot of people, you find new friends, you smile and laugh again, and you start doing things you’ve never done before. I believe in you! Don’t ever give up! And if you ever feel like giving up remember it’s not that bad. At least, we, mrkh women, know how fragile the life is and that makes us stronger !

And mrkh, go screw yourself!

MRKH, I embrace you

9 months. That’s how long pregnancy lasts. Or, in my life, it’s how long I’ve been fighting with MRKH. All this time I’ve been trying to get used to it but there’s a part of me which won’t accept it no matter what. There are days when I feel okay and I suddenly catch myself thinking ‘hey, this might last forever, you’ve got the inner peace now, don’t fuck it up’. But however, I break down quite often. It’s not hard for me to find a reason to fall apart, let’s say I see two lovers or a little kid and instantly, tears start rolling inside of me.  And outside I’m trying not to break down. But it haunts me! Wherever I go, whatever I do the ghost of MRKH is always there.

It’s been 9 torturous months and I can say I’m not the same person I was before. Now I feel older and wiser even through MRKH has nothing to do with that. I know what a part of me wants to be a small girl once again but just because of the fact that then I wouldn’t know about MRKH. I would be happier. I wanna go to my past but that’s not possible and that’s not gonna happen. So instead, I try to love me as I am with all my imperfections and flaws.

I know MRKH does not define me. I have it but it doesn’t have me. Knowing all of that I just live my life. I try not to look back and even though it sounds strange, I’m trying to look at MRKH like it’s my friend. If I can control my thoughts over other things in life why can’t I control my thoughts over MRKH? I guess I can.

Stereotype #2 (Boys don’t cry)

It is widely believed that men don’t cry. I don’t really know why people spread this idea. Both females and males are people with the emotions which sometimes take over. So why it is said that boys don’t cry?

Perhaps I would have never thought that this statement is not true, if I haven’t seen the scenery of men crying. My daddy and my godfather got extremely emotional at funeral of my cousin. Both of them were crying and it broke my heart so much seeing my beloved men crying. As far as I know my godfather isn’t ok even after 2 years from the funeral. But it’s not surprising. How can you be fine then your kid is dead?

Men show their emotions not only then they’re sad. I remember waking up early one hot summer day and riding to my uncle’s house in order to celebrate his birthday. The last time I saw him was 3 years ago, I suppose. And then me and my family knocked at his door he was at least surprised. After lots of hugs and ‘I haven’t seen you for so long’ statements, tears started streaming from his eyes. Little did I know he loved all of us so much. It was a bit crazy seeing my uncle crying but that taught me not to laugh when people get emotional.

With this post I wanted to break the stereotype called boys don’t cry. They do cry. They are people and at times they also can’t control their feelings. And that’s totally fine.

Fuck you, mrkh

So I’m here. Again. Watching random videos about mrkh all over again. It’s not me who wants to watch those videos, it’s my brain that’s trying to get used to the fact that I’m not so normal. And I have to admit, my mind is really winning this battle against me.

I don’t want to cry, that won’t change anything. I don’t want to surf the net searching for the information. I want my inner peace back. But my mind doesn’t care so I am inevitably and uncontrollably forced to relive the hell I’ve been through all over again.

My brother is playing at a concert and my parents have just gone to a shop. Well done, brain! Well done, good job. You made me cry one more time.  I feel my tears but it’s actually not tears, this is a bitter liquid. My eyes have stopped producing tears ever since I learnt my diagnosis.

You can’t imagine how much I hate it. I should be having fun at the age of 18 but instead I’m crying and wishing I was never born. Yup, things like that pop to my head quite often. I wouldn’t have to suffer if I wasn’t born.

But despite mrkh, I love life. I love living. My mother always tells me that everything that happens to us is a lesson and there’s a reason for that. Ok, I’m dying to know what is the reason. Is it crystal clear? Or will I find it in my life later? Where does it hide? Behind the surface? Or right opposite my eyes?

After making these questions I wipe my eyes and I say ‘Hey girl, mrkh does not define you’. Then louder: ‘Mrkh doesn’t define me. I define it. Mrkh doesn’t have me, I have it. So stop bullshitting and get over it’. And really, does this make me less a woman? Does it mean I’m not worth loving, taken care of? Does it mean that I won’t succeed in my further life and career?

And for the first time the answer is clear-NO. I don’t get periods. I’m infertile. But maybe I am gifted? Maybe I was chosen to make the difference somehow? If mrkh is the reason why I am so emotional and devoted to my loved ones, then sure as hell I must have been gifted. I can love. And that’s a value.

P.S. mrkh, you’re never gonna hurt me again. I swear. I control you. I define you.