For the past few days I’ve been like a zombie. I can’t concentrate on my works so all I do is think, cry and do nothing. It has bored me to death. I don’t even know if my life will be fine someday.
For example now. I can’t complain. I’m at university, studying what I want. Plus, I have a gorgeous boyfriend. So why do I complain? No, this time it’s not about mrkh. It’s about having to let go, a pain of knowing the end is coming… My boyfriend has to leave the country in order to study at other university to get a better education. He wants to stay here with me and his friends but he can’t because he really needs to go. He needs to see the world and learn new languages, get to know other cultures as well. This will help for his future career. And me? Of course, I want him to have the best things in life starting from simple things as food moving onto big things such an education. But on the other hand I am extremely selfish. I want him to stay here for me.
And you know what is the hardest part? He told ‘baby, if I go, we can’t be a couple anymore. Distance and yearning…It’s too hard.’. It broke my heart. Not he, not his words but the fact that everything we have will end. Our cute moments together, taking selfies, walking in a city, cooking together, cleaning flat, going to events together. Everything will be a history.
There’s a slight small chance that he will stay. And he said ‘If I don’t leave, we will be together, I swear. I don’t wanna make you sad or angry, I want you to be happy. If that’s not possible I’m sorry. Because when you’re sad, I’m sad.’ and then he added ‘I wanna be with you always.’. Do you guys realise?? ALWAYS.. It may be a word but to me it means a lot. Always means we will have each other’s back no matter what, we will stay strong and grow together.
I know that life is not easy for anyone but sometimes I feel so hopeless. Saying ‘don’t worry, others got it a lot worse’ is correct but it doesn’t help. It simply cannot ease the pain someone is going through. In my situation, it feels like hell and a lot worse to know or to be more exact not to know what futue will bring. Will we be together? Will he forget me? Will he find another girl? Maybe he will stay? Is this love? What if I won’t find another guy?? These and a lot more questions just kill me. Everyday more and more.
And all I want is to be happy….