I haven’t been blogging for over a year. I have no excuses for that. I was just really busy living my life. So I made a list of that happened during that year of non-blogging.
- I am still with my long-term boyfriend. Soon we will celebrate 2 year anniversary. I’m so happy with him, it’s hard to express what I fell for him because he is my everything. I hope that after finishing my university we will get married.
2. New friends found, old friends lost. Sadly, some people change. That’s why I lost some really good friends. We just can’t agree anymore. I have never seen it coming – my best friends turning into strangers.
3. I have found a job. It’s good but my salary is just not enough to make a living but I am still happy I can take less money from my parents. Since I got my own… a bit
4. MRKH. I don’t know what happened. It just doesn’t tear me apart anymore. Maybe because I celebrated 3rd anniversary. I don’t know. But I just don’t feel like I care anymore. It’s like fine, I have MRKH and what? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I break down but it’s not the same as it used to be. I think I got used to it. Forever.
That’s it for now,
Until the next reading
I’ve been living for 19 years barely knowing what love is. Well, i had my assumptions about relationships which derived from my parents’ love and respect to each other. Also, I knew what it was like to love a brother, a sister, a pet, relatives or friends. But I never knew what it’s like to love a guy. Until recently.
Everyday I wake up thinking about my boyfriend. I’m in love, I admit it. However, I can still think clearly. I understand that he isn’t the best guy on this planet but so what? I know that he might not be the most handsome or clever boy ever. But to me, he’s perfect. I see his imperfections as perfectly normal thing. It makes me love him even more.
Yet, I’m not sure what is love. Is it a feeling you get when you wake up smiling because you’re thinking about that person? Or is it a ”your problems are my problems or my problems are your problems” kind of thing? Or maybe it is a desperate wish to be with that person 24/7? If all of this indicates love, then I’m in love forever. Because right now I would like to spend the rest of my life with my current love.
I’ve found Him. The right guy. We’ve been together for about 5 months now and i can honestly say i love him. althrough, i don’t really know what love is. If it’s the feeling you get when He’s around you and the awful yearning when you are apart, i love him. He is a really great guy, loves being with me and introduces me to his friends. Everyone knows about me. And i think it’s love. I feel attracted to him and not only spiritually but also sexually.
And here my problems start. I want so much to be intimate with my boy but i can’t. The cause of it is mrkh. I need to go through certain treatment before having sex or to do an operation which i bet costs a lot. (a very very lot……). We love each other and this situation kills me 😦 I am so jealous for girls who can just have sex without any thoughts of operations and so on. I hate the fact that i am a girl who is a freak.
I had forgotten about mrkh for some time. Well maybe not forgotten but ignoring it. For a long time it didn’t mean anything to me. It was just a fact. Now it’s a reality.
Hmmm to start with…I’m not even sure that anyone is reading my blog but still…I feel like it’s a very incredible place for me to express my thoughts, emotions and opinions.
So, the first thing is that I’m happy. Now I can truly state “I’m happy” and that is nothing but true. ‘Why am I happy?’, you may wonder. Well, there’s been a lot going on in my life for the past few months. I’ve transformed from an absolute intravert person to be an always outgoing extravert(yeah, that’s possible). Since then, my life has been amazing.
Second notable thing is that I fell in love. With an amazing guy. What is more amazing is that he loves me back. We suffer a lot and everyday we get bad comments and/or glances but we don’t care. Now matter that the people say, I know he’s the one for me. They don’t know, they don’t even imagine what he’s doing to me. I don’t even know how I ended up with such a perfect guy and no, I’m not exaggerating.
Third: my boyfriend gives me motivation:
1) to do sports;
2) participate in various events and activities;
3) to be an open-minded person
4) to be a better person;
5) to love life as it is.
So, I guess that’s it. For now.
Hopefully, I’ll start blogging reagularly soon, if not then good luck 😉
Sorry guys, I haven’t written anything in ages. Mostly because I’ve been living quite a busy life and nothing new happened. Until now. I feel like I have made lots of wrong decisions only because I did not want to hurt people. But now it turns out that I not only hurt them, I hurt myself too. By knowing what a mess I have made.
From now I call myself a bad person. I really am. It started when i moved to another, bigger, city. Something just happened. I turned into a girl who talks and is not afraid to go and chat boys up. Little did I know that this would bring me troubles. The first thing that happened was that one of my male friends confessed he liked me. I was in shock and I couldn’t hurt him. I just couldn’t. I didn’t say that I like him clearly but I think I acted a bit weird and so he thought that I like him. He even started doing things he never did before, for example, he listen to the same music as I do, he watches the movies I do and so on. As a girl who never got serious attention from a guy I found that attractive and I felt special. And then I started having these thoughts ‘why do I let him think I like him’, but i quickly threw them all away thinking I cannot hurt him.
Another bad thing I’ve done was letting another guy like me. I mean I didn’t give him permission but he just did. I don’t understand why. I have never been a girl liked by guys, I don’t have big breasts or an incredibly beautiful face. Then I asked him what happened, he just said ‘you’re cute and you care’. Oh my… What did I do?
I can’t even sleep at night because I create all the worst scenarios of what could happen to me. How and when will karma pay me back. Those guys deserve something better. Someone who can bear their children in the future. I don’t deserve them because I have mrkh and also because i’m too flirty nowadays. I’ve gone too far.
9 months. That’s how long pregnancy lasts. Or, in my life, it’s how long I’ve been fighting with MRKH. All this time I’ve been trying to get used to it but there’s a part of me which won’t accept it no matter what. There are days when I feel okay and I suddenly catch myself thinking ‘hey, this might last forever, you’ve got the inner peace now, don’t fuck it up’. But however, I break down quite often. It’s not hard for me to find a reason to fall apart, let’s say I see two lovers or a little kid and instantly, tears start rolling inside of me. And outside I’m trying not to break down. But it haunts me! Wherever I go, whatever I do the ghost of MRKH is always there.
It’s been 9 torturous months and I can say I’m not the same person I was before. Now I feel older and wiser even through MRKH has nothing to do with that. I know what a part of me wants to be a small girl once again but just because of the fact that then I wouldn’t know about MRKH. I would be happier. I wanna go to my past but that’s not possible and that’s not gonna happen. So instead, I try to love me as I am with all my imperfections and flaws.
I know MRKH does not define me. I have it but it doesn’t have me. Knowing all of that I just live my life. I try not to look back and even though it sounds strange, I’m trying to look at MRKH like it’s my friend. If I can control my thoughts over other things in life why can’t I control my thoughts over MRKH? I guess I can.
This is going to be a sad post ;( Anyway, life’s not only good, it’s also full of miserable things which people cannot change. No matter how much they want it.
I saw a pregnant woman today and I found myself in a super bad position. I was about to cry. But I couldn’t. Admit that, that would be weird and awkward seeing a crying girl walking on the street. Yeah, I didn’t want to be that girl or that ‘freak’. And somehow I managed not to fall apart. I was actually a bit proud of myself because it’s a very hard task for me to hold my emotions in.
I walked the street and I was finally home. That’s when my teardrops began streaming down my face.
What a lame life, what a lame coincidence that I’m the girl who was born with mrkh. I’m that girl who cannot and will never be able to carry out her child. I often wonder why me. Why anyone. Why? Why in the world this must happen to people??
As I was trying to solve this mystery I thought to myself ‘I want chocolate’.
(Yes, primitive thoughts and silly actions save me).
And then, I wiped my tears and got back to my daily life.