Broken hearts require attention

For the past few days I’ve been like a zombie. I can’t concentrate on my works so all I do is think, cry and do nothing. It has bored me to death. I don’t even know if my life will be fine someday.

For example now. I can’t complain. I’m at university, studying what I want. Plus, I have a gorgeous boyfriend. So why do I complain? No, this time it’s not about mrkh. It’s about having to let go, a pain of knowing the end is coming… My boyfriend has to leave the country in order to study at other university to get a better education. He wants to stay here with me and his friends but he can’t because he really needs to go. He needs to see the world and learn new languages, get to know other cultures as well. This will help for his future career. And me? Of course, I want him to have the best things in life starting from simple things as food moving onto big things such an education. But on the other hand I am extremely selfish. I want him to stay here for me.

And you know what is the hardest part? He told ‘baby, if I go, we can’t be a couple anymore. Distance and yearning…It’s too hard.’. It broke my heart. Not he, not his words but the fact that everything we have will end. Our cute moments together, taking selfies, walking in a city, cooking together, cleaning flat, going to events together. Everything will be a history.

There’s a slight small chance that he will stay. And he said ‘If I don’t leave, we will be together, I swear. I don’t wanna make you sad or angry, I want you to be happy. If that’s not possible I’m sorry. Because when you’re sad, I’m sad.’ and then he added ‘I wanna be with you always.’. Do you guys realise?? ALWAYS.. It may be a word but to me it means a lot. Always means we will have each other’s back no matter what, we will stay strong and grow together.

I know that life is not easy for anyone but sometimes I feel so hopeless. Saying ‘don’t worry, others got it a lot worse’ is correct but it doesn’t help. It simply cannot ease the pain someone is going through. In my situation, it feels like hell and a lot worse to know or to be more exact not to know what futue will bring. Will we be together? Will he forget me? Will he find another girl? Maybe he will stay? Is this love? What if I won’t find another guy?? These and a lot more questions just kill me. Everyday more and more.

And all I want is to be happy….

Where’s the guy?

For the past few months I wasn’t sure of my feelings. It seemed to me that I liked one guy, but then I turned to another thinking I like him more. It was bad, I hurt myself but the worst part of it is that I hurt and disappointed people who counted on me. Whenever I look back I think about what could have happened if I wasn’t selfish. I mean, I still like one guy but when he ignored me I felt the need to make him jealous. So I kinda flirted with other guys. It’s bitchy right? Damn, i became a bitch…

I guess I shouldn’t be complaining about anything right now. I’m the one who messes everything up. I’m the one who people give up on. They understand that I’m hard to handle.

But still.. Recently, I caught myself wondering what it would be like if I had someone who would be interested in my life, who would want to be a part  of it. However, all of the guys I’ve met very either ‘bad boys’ who only wanted one things from lots of girls(one night standers) or just too good to me. The last-mentioned treated me like a princess and I thought ‘why in the world did I deserve it. I didn’t’, so I treated them like my friends.

I really want to have a soulmate. A boy with whom I could share my hobbies, my future plans, my dreams. I don’t need a guy to say ‘I want more than just hanging out if you know what I mean’. Sure, I know what you mean. Nowadays guys tend to rush so much, it seems like they don’t even want to know you better, all they want is to get you in their beds as soon as possible. I truly believe there are some guys left who are wholeheartedly willing to love a girl and wait for her as long as she needs in order to feel ready. I believe in fate and I think that we all have our soulmates somewhere in this world so I’m still waiting for mine. Waiting gets harder, especially then most of my friends have found their right ones. And then I walk down the street I think of you and I wonder if you are already in my life or will you appear then I least expect that? I love you, my right guy. ❤

Dilemma

For the past few weeks I’ve been living a very tense life. And this time not only because of university studies but also because of a mess in my personal life.

You probably remember the guy who I crushed on. I told that he was amazing, awesome and so on. I take these words back now. It’s not that I don’t like him but I just realised nothing will work out our way. I am old-fashioned therefore I think that boys should ask girls on a date. So, I’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Days passed by and I realised it was never meant to be love between us. I just met him and quickly created his design. It was the fruit of my imagination that I liked. And now let’s be clear, the boy I liked is not that awesome, more like he’s rude, impolite and self-centered. He loves being in a spotlight.

At the same time when this ‘crush thing’ was going on, another thing in my love life emerged. An old friend of mine confessed he likes me in a sincere and sweet way. I was shocked a bit but it was not a big surprise for me because I also liked him earlier.

And now my dilemma starts. I do have so much in common with the second guy but the first guy also attracts me because he’s a bad boy. But I feel like the second boy is better for me because he treats me like a princess(and we’re not even dating!). I feel the flood of an emotions.

And still, I feel like I like the second guy, the one who is so similar to me, but I don’t wanna rush things. I just want the future to work it out. And until then, I think I’ll just take a break. My mind really needs it.

‘I choose her’

Just a few hours ago I published a post saying how much I like one guy. Now I’m pretty messed up in my feelings and he’s the one to blame.

Somehow, I feel like he likes my friend despite the fact that she has a boyfriend(and he knows it). Why do I think so? We’ve been hanging out for a while and he seemed to be ignoring me and he talked to my friend more than he talked to me. But that’s not the point.

When I got back home I was so mad at him and everyone in the world but when he wrote me a message telling me how much he liked our meeting. Excuse me? You absolutely ignore me, you act like I’m nothing and then you go and tell me how much you liked hanging out with me? Well darling, it’s low. I’m sorry babe, I really like you but that’s just low and impolite.

Of course, my friend is way prettier than I am. That’s undeniable. But can’t I be happy even for once in my life? I know I can’t blame her and I hate myself for doing that but I feel like for once in my life I had a perfect chance to develop my crush into some love thing. But no… I know I’m not pretty enough. I don’t have beautiful smile, my breasts are small and so on. I could continue all night and all day and there still wouldn’t be enough time to express all of my minuses. I hate it. All I want is just to be loved. I guess I ask for too much.

Why such thing as love exists?

WTF relationship

There is one guy. I have known him for 3 years now. If I should tell whether we are friends or more, I’m sure I would be confused. His fault.

It all started when I was 16 and at that time he was 15. We have one mutual friend  who introduced us to each other. I got to know what his name was Tom. He was an extraordinary guy. What I mean is he wasn’t a boy you’d expect to be in magazines. He had his own style. Long hair and an open-minded attitude, I guess these two components attracted me the most.

We started chatting and got real close. We became good friends and I was kinda crushing on him, he was too. But suddenly, everything turned wrong. Just when I was about to get my happily-ever-after. God, karma or whatever, thanks for messing up my life again.

So what happened? We just stopped being close. We always said hello to each other but it wasn’t like it was before. He changed. Suddenly, he became more interested in looks which he never gave a lot of attention to. What was more, he was like a roller coaster coming back and running  out of my life. I’m so tired of this happening.

Why can’t you define our relationship and stop doing what you’re doing right now?

P.S. sometimes I wish I haven’t met you because you’re messing up my life like no one else does.

Grandparents are a true blessing

Grandparents are a true blessing. Yet, to my utter astonishment, many acquaintances of mine take them for granted.

I lost my last grandfather 7 years ago so I know what it’s like to grow without the warmth of grandparents. While my peers complain about being sent to visit their grandparents who live in a village, quite honestly, it’s what I have always dreamt of. The feeling of freedom that comes once you’re in a village and smiles on your relatives faces, these are the simple things what I simply have not experienced.

There are many dark days full of sadness in my life. Then I usually imagine my grandparents. How they look like, how they act. And there’s a thing haunting me and it’s not knowing and doubting if they are proud of me. Do they think I’m worth it?

As a conclusion to this I would like to encourage you to love and respect the ones who are always there for you. If any of your grandparents is alive why not visit him/her? Why not call? Because, however, not everyone has a chance to do it. Don’t take them for granted. Never.

My king

I’m not successful with guys but I’m good with him. Everything comes naturally, I don’t even need to try to find something in common because we can talk about everything. Most importantly, I can be myself without any fear of being misunderstood.

From monday to friday he goes to work. He’s oder than me; old enough to be wise and experienced in life, old enough to be mature. Yet, he’s young enough to be immature with me, he’s not afraid to act like a weirdo with me. He doesn’t work out but he is willing to play outdoor games whenever I ask him to. He’s that kind of person who jokes around and cheers everyone up. I remember having some thoughts and I realized…

There’s no one better than him.

He brought me up.

He learnt me how to ride a bicycle.

He inspired me to write verses.

He proved me that there’s no point in being afraid of the dark.

He told me not to give up when I was down.

He was holding my hand when a doctor took my blood.

He believes in my dreams maybe even more than I do.

He loves me with all my flaws and imperfections and even mentions that I’m perfect to him just the way I am.

He is a perfect spouse to my queen.

Yes, I love him.

He is my dad.